Once in a while, sometimes in life, you may feel a little down. Like me right now. No, I don't really have anything big in mind. Nothing that makes my life as if put onto a hot firing wire. It's just that certain time where you suddenly realize that you've been going on for far too long without having someone you dearly love to talk to beside you.
I have all thanks and gratitude to God for everyone around me right now. But really, somehow, everyone has that one hole in their heart which could only be filled but by particular person. That particular person you know has so great influence upon you. That particular person who defines who you are. That particular person that becomes the reason as to why you survive on every decision you take, including to stay within a situation you dislike greatly just because that particular person tells you to do so.
It is never wrong to love someone. It is even not wrong at all to have some tears poured upon our faces whenever we miss that someone. God had allowed the prophet Muhammad p.b.u.h. to cry over his passed away child, Ibrahim. Then God sure is not going to stop me from crying over some longing too, right? It is such a twisted feeling, been going on for long and for some reasons, I learn to know that these love and longing that I have have been shaping one side of my personalities; "the melancholic poet", who never talks too bravely about any sort of confession. For most of my longings had never been expressed much but into prayers in silence or swept away with every other things in life that I have to do. And on top of that, that someone who has been creating this feeling in me, has been more often far than close to me; making the "missing period" worsen along the way.
I never got too understand on how your race becomes something that made some people kept on reminding me to never admit your presence in my life. To disguise it, at least, not to admit it. But really, words orally could be monitored, but who dared to stop love from growing inwards? Who could ever tell my heart from growing all seeds of admiring and learning so much from you even in the frequent distances spread between us for you still have much to learn out there?
I learnt to be able to get into other people's shoes, from you.
I learnt to respect other people even if they don't respect you back.
I learnt to befriend with self-loneliness and kept on smiling with it when everyone else got away from me.
I learnt to be content for not having as much money as other people's.
I learnt to believe in me when other people kept on pointing my weaknesses in my face.
I learnt to make positive judgments for all the things I don't have.
I'm sorry, this time, I can't hold my tears any more like you taught me always. For I'm missing you so badly yet I don't know how to express it. Knowing that you get sick from this distance is enough to have me worried but not doing anything worthy but praying. So far, I don't see any other man I could let my tears fall for. So far, I don't see any other man I could offer my remaining love for. It is for the prophet p.b.u.h and you and so far, no one else.
Dad, come home soon.
From a room built with your years of love, 17 Dec 2012.