Tuesday, September 30, 2014

Too Many What Ifs

It was never easy. To fall. To let go. To forget. To remember. In a short expression, I'm not a type of person who can move on really well. I love to get stuck in a situation for, sometimes, years! Don't even ask how I endured it. It always took so much courage and bravery, yes. But more importantly, it took so much of energy. I got tired so easily. For friends of my age, I am no longer a fun one to hang out with; I think way too old-ish.

But out of nowhere, comes this commitment I'm about to make in less than 48 hours. To someone I never knew before. To him whom I wasn't even befriended on Facebook with. To a person lives not really far from my home but not once I had ever met and known him in any given other occasions but this one session of ta'aruf!

Weird. Seriously, this is.

It was never easy to fall. It took so much energy to trust. And now, I will get into something that will require me to fall. To trust. To...love.

And it freaks me out a little.

What if I can't make it to the end; the hereafter or say until all hairs are grey in nature?
What if I am not what he thought or expected me to be? Would he get disappointed and divorce me just like that?
What if, what if, what if.

Too many what ifs, and I suddenly realized.

It is not me asking questions, it is the shaythan whispering me to call off the marriage.

And that there is one thing came to my mind within seconds afterwards; maybe, it was never that hard to fall in love. Maybe, it was not the best time yet. Maybe, I wasn't in a best situation to build up a committed relationship in the name of God. Maybe I can fall. Maybe I am able to trust.

It is just about time.

And all of a sudden, I feel so light. I'm willing to step in. In the name of Him, The Most Gracious The Most Merciful. I'm going to marry this man and in the name of Allah only, nothing else.


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