Saturday, July 21, 2018

"What am I Doing for My Life Right Now?"

"Kapan sekolah lagi?"

"Kok ga kerja di X/Y/Z, kan gajinya banyak di sana!"

"Ngapain kerja di puskesmas, bakti pula, ga jelas kan?"

"Kerja? Ninggalin anak di "sekolah"? Cepat kali ninggalin anak!"

...And all comments are out there sprawling around like they're supposed to "adorn" our lives as always.

Oh, I'm writing this after months of not saying anything here. I feel so wasted by not doing so. But it really is my forever-heart-to-read. Entries I post here means things I'm ready to open up for. And that requires more and more energies nowadays to do so.

I once didn't think much when comes to writing myself up here. I was like, judge me please I won't care. But coming to this age of 2 years less than being thirty, I got this "boundaries" even closing up. No, it is not for the fear of being judged personally. It is more about what judgments my close ones would receive. I mean, less opening ups mean less dramas, less controversies thus my family and I would go on with my life without any pressure. For example, I have turned off my birthday notification on Facebook for the past 3 years. Just because. And I'm not planning to do the vice versa soon. This one thing actually feels so good; to have your birthday as a solemn thing between you and your close relatives and friends.💙

But, it itches me inside. Since the initial purpose of having a blog at all is to be read publicly. To spread awareness, to challenge the odd of being unfair, to show where I stand among so many issues out there in world, including the on-going illegal occupation by Israel upon Palestine. Then coming back to this, I'm asking myself a lot of question in the past 4 years; since I got my self tied to a special love-bound-from-Above named marriage. It turned out that the only humanly attentions that matter most are only from your family, your spouse, your child. Other than that are something that shouldn't define much of ourselves. But, as my husband always urges, I need to go out there and keep searching for "what I'm made for". For it is really important to find what we're actualizing for in this life. And if you have been out, and still want to come home, you will always have a place to return. I'm at ease, but I was still struggling with myself then. And it ended up I prolonged the domain without writing as I believe, one day I'll come back to it.

As far as I can recall, I rarely write in English here. And uniquely, I get to be more flowing when writing in English. So for this kind of entry, this suits me the best. And probably, this will be my "ride" for a while to release up much from within.

So, back to the question of "what I'm doing for my life right now". Basically it turned out, apparently, I love being married and having a family. I once thought that being committed means being tied and limited in so many aspects. But I know now I was wrong. In the past 4 years, I have come across so many lessons to learn from. And they ultimately are forming what I am now.

I got married on October 2014. On June 2015, My husband and I decided to go on with the option of me having compulsory internship as an MD out of town; long distance marriage for a year did leave us so many tears and memories in one of those "life folders" of mine. I gave birth to my son in March 2016. He was a special one born with asphyxia, low birth weight and ABO incompatibility. Up to this point I'm writing this, he's been hospitalized for 4 times. Once for being born prematurely, once for heavy dehydration from excessive vomiting due to bacterial infection, twice for having febrile convulsions. I mean, he's so strong I break my walls of tears all the time. All these years of having him since birth, I cry a lot questioning myself, doubting much of me being a mother. My husband kept telling me that i can't keep blaming myself up. For no matter how hard we try, life will always find a way to test us.

And here I am having a stand in my life holding to a never-ending hope. That I try. That I go on. That I move up, not just on.

I went on to work in Puskesmas nearby for one year 2017-2018. It was good in work hour (I got to go home at 1 PM, Monday-Saturday, breastfeeding Bilal was so great with this timing) but definitely not a work for earning money from. I was working there for a learning process. And learning process it was. I did not hope much for financial convenience, and apparently it disturbed so many people so they started questioning me. My husband would be the first to support my "learning process". For my bigger dreams in the future depend on what I understand of about the grass root. And there was not enough experience during internship at Puskesmas for only 4 months. I needed more, a year would be sufficient, I thought. And there I was, learning so many things without much I could describe here in my blog; the ups, the downs, the cheers, the heats, the cools ect. A year went by without me telling a lot about it. But one thing for sure, that one year experience being an MD in Puskesmas provided some insights needed in my current job of being the director of Layanan Kesehatan Cuma-Cuma Dompet Dhuafa Aceh since this July 2018.💚

My son doesn't stay at home with a specific paid-baby sitter. We don't have any assistance for household chores for so many reasons; mainly because we know how it feels years ago, we used to have so many to help us around and it didn't turn out well most of the times. So having a son while I still go to work, we decide to have him enrolled in a Toddler Class half day. He doesn't get taught of reading and counting; that we want to postpone until he turns 7 year old later. The class we chose is all about semi day care with activities suitable for the toddler ages. And the caretakers, alhamdulillah, met our expectations after once choosing one wrong school a year before. Now I'm at ease, my son is not fed with TV and gadgets while we're away, but with other activities. We introduce him to digital life, yes, but it is from my husband and I, he knows about it, not from other people. I wouldn't elaborate so much about this working mom vs stay at home ones. I guess if you ever surfed this blog, you would know where I stand on this issue and I prefer not to have the debate elongated.😉

And the story will keep rolling. All these "ties" of having a family never chain me up; instead, they make me feel anchored so i would sail life with something to hold on for. We'll see soon where I will end up at later. So, what am I doing with my life right now? I don't know. I'm still walking on it.😊